I wear a seatbelt so that I don’t fall out of my chair when people come up behind me and scream.
I have really super amazing hearing. My hands don’t work so well and my legs don’t work so well, but my ears work really well. Like SONIC HEARING good. I could be a whole new kind of Batman. Because of my super sonic hearing, I have an aversion to things that make loud noises, like guns, firecrackers and balloons.
I’ll never forget being taken to a party at church and they did that game where it’s like musical chairs but you sit on balloons. All the popping scared the crap out of me.
I was the guy in school that people figured out they could sneak up behind me and yell, which would make me jump. I wasn’t scared, but I have CP so when I get startled I become spastic because my brain works differently. I wear a seatbelt, so that I don’t fall out when people come up behind me and scream. They do that because they think my jumping is funny. My friends would do that. Then they would say they were sorry. And then they would laugh. I guess every superpower has a downside. I wonder if I can get some sort of endorsement deal for my super hearing?
I just did some research on the Internet and it turns out that super hearing is real (sort of) check this out. Just call me Golden ears.
I’m about to admit something I should probably not admit on a blog about motivation and comedy. I struggle with feeling powerless .I don’t move around very well. And when I wake up in the morning, I’m lying in bed….obviously, as opposed to on the …ceiling …or something…
I’ve never been able to transfer myself from my bed to my chair without help. Let’s have an honest and true discussion here for a second. For a very confident man who usually believes he can do anything, this is a very depressing site. I’m lying there, in bed, and across the room is the chair there’s what seems like a mile and a half of cold floor in between the two. Lots of mornings I wake up and see that expanse of floor, and I think, “What’s the point in even getting up?” I need help. It’s a struggle just getting out of bed. The way I combat this feeling every morning is by telling myself I’m going to do something truly awesome today.
Some days the truly awesome thing is as simple as not having to wear shoes.
And some days it’s writing a book or helping a depressed friend who’s had a tough day. I never know what it’s going to be, but every day I have to believe that there is something for me to do, otherwise what is the point in getting up?
Because let’s face it. Beds are really, really comfortable.
I’ve been struggling a lot lately with that comfortable bed, because I want to be awesome on a much bigger scale. I recently applied for my passport because I saw a passport as the next logical step to being awesome worldwide. Then I started thinking about it. When I get my passport then what do I? Travel around the United States for a guy in wheelchair is hard. It gets harder when you start thinking about flights, hotel and transportation in a place that you’ve never been. Been struggling this week with the fact then I want to go and see my two favorite people and they happen to live in relatively the same place, only a few states away. I can’t get my mind around how to do it, without taking my parents along.
As I get older the ability to go and do my own thing without involving my family is something I crave. Especially with two women involved. There probably won’t be any make out sessions, but that’s not really the point. I just want to go on my own. This is something I’ve struggled with for years. Very slowly, I’m getting more and more independent. I have my semi full time personal assistant Jane. I rarely see my parents, not like I once did anyway. When we are around home I’m basically independent of them, but traveling on my own still seems extremely daunting. It costs a lot more for me to travel than the average person, simply because in this case, I can’t stay with either of my friends. So that means a hotel. Then add in the fact that Jane can’t handle me on her own. By handle me I mean physically. We have ceiling lifts that handle that at home.
Why am I telling you this?
I’m telling you, because it Is something that I struggle with. I’ll always need help, there’s no way around that. I think it’s something God built into my life to keep me in check, if I were an able-bodied human, oh the trouble I would get into. I’m writing this in the hopes that it influences some out there and to give you a glimpse into my mind.
I can’t travel where I want to, but it won’t always be that way (at least I hope not). In the meantime, I’ll do something every day that I hope rocks your world and changes your prospective. If I can do that it’s worth getting up. What makes Life worth getting out of bed for for you? The day you figure that out, your entire life will change. Having something to get up for gives you life and changes everyone and everything around you for the better.
It will make you great or ruin your life your choice
A lot of people get really “down” on themselves and they look at their situation and how things aren’t going their way and it affects every other part of their life. It affects their job, their relationships, their health, how they handle their kids (if they have any), and every other person they encounter. As we’re sitting here typing this, I’m going to be honest and say that it hasn’t been a really great 3 months. I’ve had a major change in my life in the last year which has drastically affected my attitude, but I have a rule. If I’m out in public or around other people, THEY aren’t going to know it. The only people that know what’s going on with the personal aspects of my life are my close friends. You won’t see any negative posts on Facebook. You won’t see any bitter Tweets from me. And it’s not because I don’t feel it, but I have to get up every day and do the things that need to be done, and whether I’m feeling particularly positive or not, the rest of the world doesn’t need to know. And if I put forth the effort to “fake it”, by the end of the day, things get done.
Like I said before, we all have bad days. We all have stuff to do every day. And some of that stuff isn’t fun. Actually, most of that stuff isn’t fun.
Lots of people complain about jobs, which I don’t understand, especially in this economy. The purpose of going to a job every day is to make money so that you can live your life. Yes, every major guru out there will say that you need to find a job that you love, and I completely agree…HOWEVER…sometimes that takes time, and sometimes you have to be willing to do the job that you don’t like in order to pay the bills until you find the job that you love. The funny thing about the job that you love is…90% of the time, whatever it is you can do it on the weekends or evenings. You may not get paid for it, but it will help manage your stress so that you can get up and do the job that you don’t love to do.
I’m in a situation where it’s tough for me to get a job. I have transportation issues. I’m like an employer’s worst nightmare. Here I sit in my mid-30’s with no job because I can’t get there every day. What did I do to make up the difference? I got an internet job in a virtual environment. It doesn’t pay me a LOT of money, but I had to find something. I don’t love it everyday and then I’d much rather be speaking 260 days a year. At this time however, it’s what’s available to me.
This principle applies to anything you may not necessarily enjoy. To kids out there. Yes you have to go to school. I know it’s always fun, but nights and weekends are for fun. (I’d kill to be a kid again, I had so much time to play. I had no clue how good my situation really was)
Let’s recap,
if you’re in a job you hate, thinking of it like going to school until you find something better. Every fabulously rich person you see, started out just like you. Most of of all of them will tell you, they worked Jobs they hated, before they got to do what they wanted.
If you are positive about your situation, whatever that may be, it gives you a better chance to get where you want to go, then a negative attitude ever will.
I don’t care if you live to be 100. Life is short. I have a few regrets in my life but none of them happened because I didn’t put myself out there. Any Woman that has ever been pursued by me will tell you that I don’t give up. Once I find something I want, I do not stop. It doesn’t matter if it’s a person, a new job, or a personal project. If I get put down or discouraged, I just keep coming.
This is different than perseverance. I don’t want to get to the end of my life and say I wish. This doesn’t mean I always get what I want. In fact, I rarely do.
The key is, at least I tried. I’ve been trying to get my own TV show for eight years now. I look at what’s on TV, and I think “I can do better than that” I’m trying as hard as I can and it’s not happening. At least when I get to the end of my life I’ll be able to say that I took the chance and did all I could, whether it happens or not.
I’m also the guy that will take a chance and go skydiving if ever given the option because I want to say I did. I’m fairly certain that everybody out there has something in their life that they’d like to take a chance on. They may not because they’re afraid of failure. Failure is part of life. If we never fail, we don’t learn. So whether it’s a business, a love interest, or a new flavor ice cream you’re thinking about taking a chance on, do it. I promise it will be worth it in the long run.
Seems pretty simple I know, but I think a ton of people in today’s world simply don’t believe in themselves. I always have. I think it annoys my mother. I can see why. There’s a fine line in life between believing in yourself, and staying humble while doing so, and believing in yourself so much that you become arrogant.
I’ll admit here and now to struggling with that line more often than I should. I often meet people who are meek and humble but have no self-confidence. Obviously, that approach doesn’t work either. Believe in who you are and what you can do, while also being willing to learn from others and you will go far. I’m not who I want to be at this moment, but I’ll get there, count on it
Every social interaction that you may take for granted completely changes when you’re on wheels. It’s like being stuck in an alternate universe where you know how things should work, but the normal rules do not apply.
man I hope the button is at my height.
BROKEN SOCIAL NORMS
There are a lot of things that are “backwards” for me that people don’t think about. I personally feel that men should hold doors open for women. Maybe it’s a Texas thing, or maybe it’s just a traditional old-school man thing, but I really feel that I should open doors and pull chairs out for women. I can’t pull a chair out for a woman unless I get there 20 minutes early. How do I get my chair around her chair so that I can push her chair out of the way? And then once she sits down, how to I gracefully help her slide forward to the table? Maybe if I ram it under with my wheelchair. Yeah, that’s chivalry. And stuff.
Come to think of it, nothing with dating is as it should be for a guy in a wheelchair. I remember when I was much much younger being in a bar and a woman asking me to dance. So I go out in the middle of the floor and it slowly dawns on her that I can’t dance. So she asks me, “So, how exactly do we do this?” I smiled and said, “You can sit in my lap”. I took her for a spin around the bar in my wheelchair. She said she would remember it forever because it was the best time she ever had in a bar. She probably didn’t, because she was too drunk to even remember me by the next day.
Unfortunately, if I were in a room with sober women this never would have happened. If I were to ask a sober woman to sit on my lap in my chair, they would be worried that 1. they are going to hurt me or 2. they start thinking that I’m a pervert. I am not a pervert, but riddle me this, all you women out there…How is a handicapped guy supposed to touch you or make any sort of move whatsoever if you are hovering so much higher up there? I’m sitting, you’re standing. By social norms, I’m allowed to maybe touch your elbow or shoulder to connect with you, but reaching up for an elbow looks like I’m reaching up for a breast and anything below that is off limits. I’m totally screwed. I swear I’m not a pervert. But maybe if I throw myself out of my chair I can get you to touch me. LOL. Just kidding.
Me trying to actually make a move on a lady is like a three-toed sloth trying to climb up a tree. It’s like a one legged frog trying to swim to China from the USA, or even from Japan for that matter. But, I digress…
In college I had a friend named Nikki. We were fairly close. Her birthday was coming up and I asked her what she would like for her birthday. She said she would like a ride in my lap across campus to her class. All the women who saw us gave us looks like, “How did that guy get that girl into his lap?” The men seemed to be looking like, “That guy is awesome!” When she got to her class, the other girls were talking about her in whispered tones. Finally, she pulled one of the girls aside and asked what was up. The girl said that the other girls were concerned that she may have hurt me by sitting on my lap. They didn’t think it was “appropriate” and so forth. They asked her, “What if you had broken his legs?” Nikki confidently said, “The worst I could have done is break his legs, but it’s not like he uses those anyway!”
I’m so glad that she took the ride in my chair. I felt included and normal for a little while.
I can’t hold doors open for women either. Usually they hold the door open for me. This is completely emasculating. I feel like I’m a failure in some way when this happens. I say, “Thank you”, but I’m thinking, “If I had working legs, I would totally sweep you off of your pretty little feet. I might even carry you through the threshold.”
When shopping items are on the top shelf it’s embarrassing if I have to ask a woman who is 5 foot 3 wearing 3 inch heels to reach the Fruity Pebbles or Count Chocola for me because I can’t. (Yes, I’m a child.) Not only does she look at me strangely because I’m asking her to get the cereal for me, but also because of the type of cereal. I should shake the box and say, “I wonder if there’s a toy in here?”
How many kinds of toilet paper are available in the grocery store to buy? We literally flush it down the toilet. But there are probably 100 different kinds of toilet paper.
“Well this one’s more absorbent!” If you’re using toilet paper that’s not absorbent, it’s not toilet paper. “Sir, you’re wiping your butt with a $10 bill.” If you save up 2 of those you can buy some real toilet paper.
Yeah, toilet paper is getting expensive. If inflation keeps up, we’ll start using dollar bills. But til then…
My mom has this issue in the grocery store with orange juice. Pulp, no pulp, strained, concentrated, pure, natural… Maybe if I drink the right orange juice I’ll have a bigger penis, grow taller, have a better sex drive and maybe even stand up and walk one day…voila! It’s a miracle! It’s the miracle of orange juice. The right one, that is. If we knew which orange juice was really the real orange juice, maybe we wouldn’t need so many supplements.
Have you noticed that there are calorie and fat content labels on everything? I was drinking a bottle of water the other day and looked at it realized that they labeled it 0 calories. Is there anyone who thought water was fattening out there?
This post was written a couple of years ago and I decided to use it for this post. Most of these observations come from growing up the way that I did. We didn’t have a lot, but we had what we needed and didn’t always get what we wanted. Looking back I’m a better man for it. I don’t know if he did it on purpose, but my dad taught me the value of hard work and that you get out of life what you put in it and nothing more.
Just show up and you win
I understand that people are concerned about the self-esteem of children these days. Nobody ever “loses” at anything. Even the losing team at the sporting event gets some kind of prize or they still get a pizza party, etc. When we were kids, it wasn’t like that. Somebody won and somebody lost. There was a reward for people that were talented or willing to work hard to achieve. People who lost were expected to show good sportsmanship. It didn’t mean you had to like or enjoy it, but you had to recognize in that moment that the person you were dealing with was better than you. Maybe the losing team could use this as motivation to work harder.
“equality” is a hot topic word. Another buzz word among society is “self entitlement”. We are all concerned with making sure everyone gets equal treatment and rewards for all efforts, but many people are also aware of this behavior of self entitlement that is emerging.
My niece played soccer 3 years ago. It was a lot of fun watching 8 year olds running around trying to figure out the rules of the game. The parents are all standing up screaming which way to go, to kick the ball into the net, etc. There was a little girl whose dad was especially loud and boisterous throughout the game and was shouting orders to his daughter loudly. At one point during the game, his daughter looked up to the stands where her dad had been screaming and shouting from, and in a moment of honesty she said, “Dad! Don’t talk to me while I’m playing!” I was happy that she finally said that. For a long time, I was thinking the same thing. My neice was on the same team, but with this guy shouting at his daughter the whole time, it was like the game became about only her. Or maybe the game became all about the dad. The dad that could yell the loudest in the stand gets the most eyes. We sign up kids to be in sports with other kids so that they can get the experience of working as a team and forming a community, while the adults don’t know how to behave as a community. We go to sporting events and pretend it is all about us and nobody else is there.
I also went to a church that had a ballet recital this past year and watched parents standing up in the aisles filming their kids dancing with their ipads. I sat behind them in my wheelchair, my vision obstructed by where they were standing. People couldn’t get out of the aisles if they wanted to. For those parents, the ballet was all about them and their child. I understand that you’re obviously going to watch your own kid during a recital and be proud of what he/she is doing, but it’s not only about YOU. Otherwise, why sign the kid up to dance with other kids? Kids dance just fine in your living room to Barney songs. I don’t see you standing there blocking the door to your home while family members want to come in because you’re filming uber important dancing to “Mr. Golden Sun”.
I think the sense of entitlement that is emerging so strongly in our culture is due in part to parents who have over-rewarded their children in a “positive discipline” effort, and now those kids are growing up and having kids of their own to be raised in the same way. Everyone feels like they deserve the trophy, yet nobody feels they should have to work hard to get there. People say they are willing to work hard, but more often you hear complaints about how meager efforts are going unrewarded, and there must be a clearly defined “reward” for every bit of effort we put forth. I don’t know what the reward will be for my physical therapy sessions, but I know that if it doesn’t make me worse it is making me better, and that is enough reward in itself.
The force is with me. How else do you think I get the good parking?
That’s not true I really just want the arms and legs I’ve been watching through the Star Wars movies in order one through six all over again, getting ready for number seven in December. I’m really looking forward to it. JJ Abrams did so well with Star Trek, that I actually have faith he might pull off Star Wars
I’m such a geek that I also took the time to watch the entire clone wars animated series and I have to admit when you put it altogether it’s quite an epic story. You can make fun of the latest three movies if you like, but other than replacing a couple of the actors, I’m not really sure how they could’ve been better in terms of telling the story.
That said, I have to much time on my hands. After watching four of them so far. I have a few questions. First after Vader was burned there wasn’t much left. Did the Emperor have that suit on standby? I don’t think you’re going to stroll down to the 711 and pick up a Darth Vader suit.
Second, how does he use the bathroom in that thing? I have a hard time unbuttoning my jeans I can’t imagine trying to get out of that.
Third This all happened a long time ago in a galaxy far far away. where are my bionic arms and hands? Do I have to get maimed by light saber to qualify? It’s 2015. What’s the hold up?
I could walk with just a little help.
George Lucas made $4.05 billion when he sold everything off I wonder if he’s got that kind of stuff lying around that nobody knows about
I talked a little bit about my vacation a few weeks ago right here because I am a comedian everything gets put into my act. so, for your viewing pleasure today, I give you my latest standup act and Lauren’s Place in Second Life if you want to find out more about Lauren’s place you can find the whole crew on Google plus right here
